Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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