There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
