Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
