why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
