They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Randomize
