We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
