Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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