Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
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Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
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We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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