I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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