look no pants
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
