i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
