Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
