Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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