I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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