You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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