seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
