She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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