i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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