Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
