yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Randomize
