He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
