Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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