I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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