when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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