i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
