dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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