woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I AM VODKA MAN
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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