I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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