I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
