he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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