No stitches, just platelets and will power
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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