1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
