so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
