Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
