Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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