Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
