I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Randomize
