My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
