i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
