i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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