Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
