the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
cat food counts as protein by the way
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
