Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
