i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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