Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
