she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
