You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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