He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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