I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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