May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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