Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
