im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
