I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
a search helicopter?!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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