I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
