You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
