Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
