I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
