why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
