At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
