He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
