I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
