This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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