If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
